Thanksgiving Breakdown

I took on the responsibility of cooking Thanksgiving dinner last year. Our family is not large by all means, so I'm typically only cooking for a few people. This year, however, our adopted sibling Caren shared our Thanksgiving lunch (I don't remember ever eating actual Thanksgiving "dinner" ever in our family) with her son Trey, so I had a lot more responsibility with six people.

I'll just lend this advice: if you're cooking Thanksgiving dinner or lunch or breakfast or dessert, don't count on anyone helping you after you have volunteered. People may bring something, but are not thankful enough for what you're doing to actually wake their lazy ass out of bed before 8 AM to help prepare food.

OK--I'll take that back. After cleaning ice off of my car at 7:30, lugging 3 loads of "stuff" to the car (and I forgot more than several things and had to go back) I arrived at Grandma's house around 8:30 and she was up with a bushy tail, ready to help. Grandma loves to be around people and remains involved in anything to be involved in.

Mom also helped later with drinks and celery (which I bought, but had to use for the pimento dip) and helped prep for the turkey balls.

Here's a brief description of my day:

6:30 AM: "Oh my god, it's early. Why did I stay up late last night? I'm so tired. Erik will be up soon to wake me and I'm already up."

7:00 AM: "Wow, this coffee is strong."

7:30 AM: "Erik is usually up by now. I guess I'll pack up and clean off the car by myself."

8:15 AM: Mom sends me a text advising me that I should have the turkey in the oven by now.

8:16 AM: I advise mom that I paid for the food and no one has showed up to help so I'll get the cussing turkey in whenever the cuss I feel like it. I actually said "cussing" and "cuss."

8:30 AM: "HI, ERIK! I notice that, while you're usually up at 6:45 every morning including weekends, this particular morning you have decided to sleep IN!"

8:31 AM: (Erik turns back around and gets back in bed)

8:45 AM: (The turkey, thawed, spatters blood all over the table and floor. I find two rolls of paper towels to clean it up.) Grandma asks me what she can do to help and peels potatoes. Then she is happy to go watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade and gives me play-by-plays from the living room.

9:15 AM: The turkey finally makes it in the oven after one trip back to get garlic that thankfully, even though it was from Walmart, was not molded.

10:15 AM: Mom shows up with soda and celery and starts chopping stuff.

10:30 AM: I call Erik, who has at this point actually gotten out of bed, to ask him to please bring the butter and chicken broth along with the pies and other sundries.

10:45 AM: I call Erik again to ask him if he has left yet. I also text Caren to tell her since she has not shown up to help as she assured me she would, she had very well better bring some cussing money. I did not say "cuss."

10:46 AM: Mom asks me if Erik is a melancholy personality and reminds me that since I confirmed he is, I had better not call him again lest he wait an additional hour on purpose out of passive aggressive spite. Mom knows about this because she's famous for the same behavior.

11:15 AM: Mom has gone outside to rake leaves. I have gone to get my rifle to wait at the kitchen table for Erik as we cannot make another dish until he arrives.

11:30 AM: The neighbors have called 911 as they have heard gunshots next door and witnessed a very pale red-head running down the sidewalk.

11:35 AM: Caren shows up with various sides including couscous and Gouda because she's a dirty hippy. She has also brought some fabulous turkey breast.

12:00 PM: Trey has found Mom's leaf pile.



12:15 PM: The turkey is still not ready. It is away from being ready by five degrees and I can't resist opening the oven door every ten seconds.

12:30 PM: I lie to everyone and tell them the turkey is at the appropriate temperature.

1:00 PM: We all gather around the table to pour gravy over vittles and as I'm eating Great Grandma Tinsley's macaroni and cheese and turkey balls with my own version of gravy made with wine, and I remember why I took on the responsibility in the first place...

...because the gravy only requires 1 cup of wine and Caren arrived far too late to share it.